I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
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It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
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Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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