At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
