My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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