it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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