I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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