she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
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