he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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