I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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