I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I seem to have left my pride at pride
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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