hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
