Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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