Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
