Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
