He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
