Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
