I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
