i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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