I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
