I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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