I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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