Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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