Whoa Z and x make the same sound
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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