one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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