He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
