I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
sex in a hospital.. check
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
