I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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