Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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