see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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