You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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