i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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