The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
