96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
