Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
