I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
wow bdsm is so cute
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
