I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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