I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
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Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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