Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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