"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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