I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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