Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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