And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
