Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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