I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
It's shark week go big or go home
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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