Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
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You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
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Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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