i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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