I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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