all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
