my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
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Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
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I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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