Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
