drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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