My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
