So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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