I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
