she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
