he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
