When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I woke up under a house in Key West
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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