im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
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once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
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Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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