I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I am one with the molecules
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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