I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
