My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
